"Make your mess your message"

It is always easier to have perspective when things are going well, at least for me.  I wish I could keep my perspective 24/7, but it does slip away when the bad news piles on.  I think it would for any parent.  We had a positive report at Avery's surgery this week, and during our time in the hospital Thursday, I experienced ups and downs as far as my perspective.

When we arrived, I was sitting next to a mother in the waiting room who was accompanied by a social worker.  Through some "casual eavesdropping," we figured out that her daughter was in for surgery, and she and the father were arguing over who was taking her home.  It got so bad at one point, that the police were called into the recovery area of the OR.  I thought how lucky I am to be in a healthy, loving marriage instead of that situation.  If John and I didn't work as a team and support each other during all of this, how much worse would life be?

Every time we take Avery down to Children's, I can't help but look around at all the other patients and their parents.  Seeing a sick child who is obviously going through chemotherapy is enough to make you forget all of your own troubles.  This sure gives me my perspective back.  For as much as Avery has gone through, nothing compares to a terminal illness and the fear of losing your child... or to actually lose your child.  Nothing.  That is the most awful human experience, and every trial and tribulation I go through should pale in comparison.  We only saw a glimpse of this once, when Avery had meningitis, and I never want that feeling again.  Yesterday, I thought about how I look, jealously, at the families in pre-op who are there for pretty simple procedures, such as ear tubes.  This is a very common surgery for kids, and in most cases you can tell this is their first surgery.  And probably their last.  They look terrified as the anesthesia doctor explains how they will put their child to sleep, and they fumble as they try to put the hospital gown on their child for the first time.  They have an entourage of 10 family members outside (because this isn't routine for them), waiting to give the child balloons, flowers and new toys.  I always think, "I wish that was my situation."  But, I remind myself (or John reminds me) that for them, this is the worst, scary thing they've gone through.  And, more importantly, we are an "ear tube surgery" for those families dealing with cancer.  I bet there have been times when a mom has looked at me and thought, "I wish that was my situation," as I deal with eye surgery and she deals with chemotherapy or a bone marrow transplant.  It is never easy to see your child go through pain, but there are varying degrees of that pain.  For the lucky ones, the worst is comforting a sad child who didn't make the soccer team.  For others, it's hearing that they've been diagnosed with a serious illness.

I tried to take this perspective with me as we were called back into pre-op, but my mind started going to the bad place as Avery's mood went from content to super cranky.  I have found that her mood directly impacts mine, and seeing her cry from being hungry and aggravated was too much for me at that moment.  Normally, she does so well with surgery days.  Her doctor isn't able to do surgery before 1pm, so she has to fast all day, but never gets too upset.  Sure, she hates having her blood pressure taken, and doesn't like the doctor listening to her heart, but we've always been happy that the crying is at a minimum.  Yesterday, though, she was really upset, and it broke my heart.  I usually carry her into the OR, but since I've had a bad cold, John went this time.  I stayed back and cried a little, worried about what the doctor would find with the right transplant, and if her pressures would be elevated.

Shortly after she went back, a nurse came out and told us that we had to sign another consent form because Dr. Dunn needed to do a (surprise) schleral patch graft, due to an "opening" in her right eye.  Huh?  This was definitely out of left field, and the nurse had little information, so we signed the paper because we trust him.  I just stared into space, pissed off, and waited for the surgery to finish.  It took almost two hours, which was extremely unnerving.  He came out and explained what happened.  It was much less serious than that nurse made it to be.  To make a long story short, a glaucoma tube she has had in her left eye for years was poking through the surface of her eye and he had to put a graft over it.  Not ideal, but certainly fixable.  He also decided to do the lid closure on the right himself (without the plastic surgeon).  Both of her pressures were good, which is fantastic, and the rough, dry patch from last week even looked better.  He said it left behind a slight haze, which may or may not go away, but it's not going to fail the graft at this point.  Her Ophthalmologist also was there, and everything looked healthy from his end too.  Overall, this is a great report.  Although she had procedures done in both eyes, the big picture is positive.
When we got her in recovery, both of her eyes were bleeding pretty bad, which isn't something we've seen very often.  It's normal, though.  Within a few hours, she was home and back to Avery - happy to eat a PB&J.  It was nice to call our parents with good news - mainly her good pressures and the surface healing on the right transplant.

This morning, right after I fought Avery to get drops in her swollen, sore eyes, I saw a story on the news that really touched me.  It was about a mother whose (while she was pregnant with her second baby) 2-year-old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia.  She was so shocked at the news that she went into pre-term labor.  However, she dedicated herself to healing her daughter, and saw her through a bone marrow transplant last year.  This is the type of situation that makes me very grateful for what I have.  I took away the best line from that mom; "make your mess your message."

That's it for now.  I didn't intend on writing an entry every week, it's just worked out that way lately!  As always, thank you for the love and support!!